What a relief it was to pass the “full term” checkbox off. Sorry for the lack of updates for the few people who read here, it’s been wild month or so it’s been. . . Billy & I have had a whirlwind of houseguests since January so I haven’t had time to collect my thoughts.
As we edge into the final few days/ weeks I’ve been surprised at how good I’ve continued to feel. Insomnia has crept back in the last few weeks, but my energy is usually fairly high still until a mid afternoon dose of fatigue hits.
We got a puppy a few weeks ago, Zeus. He’s an adorable bundle of energy and has learned so fast. Most people thought it was a terrible idea, Billy included… but of all the puppies I’ve had, he’s been the simplest to train and the most willing to please. So that was a relief, to have him housebroken and well trained for the most part within the first week.
Unfortunately it has been horrible rain this month, when all I want to do is be outside and soak up the last few moments of “non mom” freedoms. So I’ve gotten to hike, and explore less than I would like. However, the lack of fun has made me more productive with my online clients program planning… which is probably the more responsible life choice. . .
So here we are, full term, my belly dropped around week 36, the entire side of this island is flooding, I have a house full of wrestling dogs and houseguests…. and my morning started off with dry heaving and vomiting. Maybe it’s early labor, maybe it’s just a practice run? To be continued. . .
First and foremost a celebration for Cosmo being LOA already! A weeks of pelvic elevations and two evenings with ice we’re enough to encourage him to move. I’m sure he would have moved eventually, but I’m much more comfortable now and so grateful for Katja’s advice to help get him moving early!
Secondly, I’ve decided to get Doula certified, thru a DONA certified course for my CEUs for my ND. So all of my obsessive reading can go to a purpose, beyond just my self education. I’ve realized too few women have the luxury of time that I do, and the resources that I do to read and study for this season of their lives. As I live in a more remote location, with an absence of family except for Billy, and minimal access to close friends… I am aware that many women would find this island, isolating and without the luxury of the education I’ve been obtaining, I can imagine this process would be terrifying.
Other than those small updates, life is good. I am sleeping more. My workouts have shifted to walks, yoga, and strength. I am completely satisfied with that and enjoying the journey my body is taking me on daily. I am pleased with feeling attuned to my intuition and excited to meet Cosmo whenever he feels like coming to this side.
As I write these words, I already anticipate missing these moments. Being pregnant has been such a gift, and a joy that I know soon or at least someday I will miss these moments. Being filled with life, is really the most intimately feminine experience I can imagine and one I thought many times I wouldn’t get to experience.
So much has changed in Billy and I’s relationship. I’ve seen him take on a tenderness and patience that even I didn’t know he had. As if he anticipated my needs or wants he’s stepped up in all things household related cooking dinners before I say I’m tired, washing dishes before I even think to ask, taking Zia for more runs as my waddling walk has ceased to impress her lately. It’s not these small actions that have surprised me though, he’s always been caring and sensitive. It’s as though he has a radar on my moods and energy levels and our relationship seems to have taken on a level bordering telepathy. It’s a beautiful gift to have a partnership without guilt or fault, to be able to need more and to receive it without shame or any lingering concerns about attached strings.
While my relationship with Billy has strengthened endlessly, my attachment to physical fitness has released. In birth, you are ultimately without control and as I entered the third trimester I’ve allowed myself to let go of expectations once again for the final stretch. I find myself still moving more than the “average American” walking several miles a day, practicing yoga nightly, lifting weights with more frequency, but allowing running to take a backseat. At this point there is no direction or focus minus the consistency with the Spinning Babies yoga to try to encourage him out of his Transverse Lying position… otherwise I’m just allowing my body to move how I feel or don’t feel, day depending.
More for my memory than anything, a few physical updates. My 8 hours on average sleep is interrupted but otherwise sufficient. I find myself more likely to take a nap than normal but it’s maybe once a week not a daily situation… I have some mild heartburn if my meals aren’t small, and some discomfort in the evenings when my energy/ tolerance is lower. Currently with Cosmos’ transverse lie I can feel the hard lump of his rear wedged into my right side, but the kicks just to the right of my belly button still give me delight over discomfort. Overall I’m amazed at how great I feel, but attribute a lot of it to proper sleep, and a low stress lifestyle. Women I know who worked hectic, long hour, demanding jobs until their delivery… How? You are all my heroes.
I know I will miss these moments, counting his kicks, feeling round like a feminine goddess, having the most kind and tender version of my partner… but yet I look forward to the future with excitement. How will our day of birth go? What will his personality be like? Will be be chubby as an infant like Billy with 4 chins or thin like myself? Funny how we both ended up with metabolisms that trend the opposite of our infant selves. Will he have curly hair? What color will it be? And the sound I look forward to the most is hearing his giggle. These moments of now, fill me with delight, but I know it’s only the beginning of our journey. I’m quite convinced we are the luckiest family in the world.
I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, but the category of things I dream about are consistent… My family, my closest friends, and over a lifetime of nightmares usually similar in theme if not in topic.
However for the last 6 weeks or so I’ve had dreams that aren’t mine. They are his, I was so sure of it the first time it happened I woke up Billy in a fog to tell him I was having thoughts and dreams that weren’t my own. It’s like the layer between us isn’t fully sealed and I’m able to experience his memories from another life or his dreams and hopes for this one.
Each dream is of course different, but the themes are not mine to dream of, ocean, fishing, swimming with sharks and dolphins fearlessly, driving a tractor trailer, rescuing an injured octopus…. Each time I learn a little more about him, who he might have been or who he hopes to become. I hope this layer between us stays thin for a while.
Each time I have one of his more specific dreams I wake up with new knowledge, specific that I know wasn’t mine before… the brand of a fishing rod, the type of fishing rack specific to a Mini Cooper, the intricacies of shifting a tractor trailer, the ability and timeline for octopuses to regrow their limbs. I wish I could see his face, his smile, or know what his journey on this life will look like, but I suppose that story will come soon enough. For now I suppose I’ll dream of the sea.
Rounding the corner past 26 weeks and I realize I’ve forgotten to write about a few training shifts the last two weeks. The main reason for these blogs is a self journaling habit, to keep the memories of this precious time close, and also to hopefully be a source of positivity or at least honesty for other active moms to be…
About three weeks ago at week 23 I noticed my weekly miles were trending downwards from 40s and 50s to a new low of 22 miles in a week. While I’ve let go of “expectations” or mile “goals” I noticed the weeks post week 20 I had been feeling slightly more fatigue with every easy run. It was resulting in shorter runs, and overall less movement.
So I switched up my plans from heading out for a run to heading outside for whatever my body felt… mostly it was walks, but the next week I was up to 60 miles a high for the past few months anyways…
As I’m doing this pregnancy “training” with the intention of simply moving as much as things feel good, this was exciting ! I get to move more and feel less intensity! Taking the word of “running” out of the movement expectation and replacing it with “whatever I feel” – which is convenient since bending down to toe shoes is a hassle and sandals are great for long walks! While I still find myself primarily running a few days a week, this word switch has been a clutch key in continuing to feel great later in pregnancy!
As far as other training, I’m Hitting my Spinning Babies Yoga routine about 5 nights a week, strength training is 2-4 times a week, and cycling has been less than once a week… The lack of cycling is only because I’m saving my patience for indoor training hours when I have a newborn I don’t want to pack up for outdoor adventures!
My overall recovery has felt great, I feel 100% fresh every day or I completely rest. I’m sleeping well this trimester about 8.5 hours a night average, using recovery boots, arnica, cbd, and massage as my main methods of intentional recovery!
So that’s where I’m at, practicing good sleep hygiene, working on meditation and yoga more seriously than I have in years, enjoying long walks, and really loving every moment of this beautiful journey. For those of you still here, thank you dearly for tuning in, I hope you found value in my thoughts.
Welcome to 6 months and what an odd week this has been already!
Monday, I met with my midwife, after several phone interviews I chose an in person consult with my favorite option, and had an amazing hour sit down with her. We went in her every possible concern, question, and topic imaginable. It was fabulous to have someone discuss my health and hopes without once glancing at a watch or wall clock. She was amazingly supportive about the path I’ve been taking as far as workouts, nutrition, and was also able to give me some ideas of things to consider without making me feel lectured or directed. I noticed my weight had spiked (155 from 145 when I last checked a month prior) at her office but assumed it was a different scale, and afternoon water. She assured me I was well within a healthy range and my weight was otherwise a complete non topic.
Tuesday, I had my regularly scheduled OB appointment to go over the more in depth organ ultrasounds I had last week, and discuss any concerns he may have. Pending no issues or concerns I already planned this to be my last traditional medical appointment. Of course the first thing was the scale (154 with shoes etc) and I flinched mildly, it wasn’t the scale I had tipped over the 150 range for sure… After vitals and the typically long wait, my OB popped in and before hardly a greeting came the comment. Wow you’ve gained a lot of weight. Did you stop working out? No. Hmmm Did you change your eating habits? No. Hmmm Well maybe it’s just water you’ll lose 10 lbs of that during childbirth. He briefly moved on, I explained I wouldn’t be seeing him in the future (which he was gracious about)… and I left his office with permission for them to forward my medical records to the midwife.
Wednesday, I wake up beginning slowly with a short meditation, followed by coffee and homemade toast with avocado. Once I’ve caught up on the news I take Zia out for a walk when it hits me. I allowed a 30ish year old doctor with little to zero nutrition education to alter my perception of my body for just a brief moment. First, of all I hiked 17 miles in the sun on Sunday, and at almost exclusively carbs and about 6 liters of fluids. Next, I took Monday as a rest day doing only my pregnancy yoga and a short mile or so walk, while also eating more savory salt foods than normal. In any given day I gain 6-8 lbs from morning to evening with water retention, but always drastically more after an athletic event. One 100 mile race I gained and held onto about 15 lbs for almost a week. While I don’t normally consider hiking “athletic” the 8 hours of hiking and hanging out in the sun, and the effort of the 17 miles is athletic right now. Of course my weight was up, this morning I woke up “debloated” and probably closer to 150 (not that a number matters ans by no means defines me)…. but I was shocked at myself that I let an ignorant male cause me to question myself, my process, and my body, just because of a lab coat.
And I am left with the horrific thought, how many women end up traumatized by men in this scenario when the typical MD has the limited education they got in high school health class with everyone else nation wide?
Spending a large part of yesterday at an ultrasound clinic, alone and in a mask, with long waits, repeated hand sanitizer stations, temperature checks, and over an hour on a cold metal table was all worth it… To see your heart beat, each beautiful chamber, to know your main internal organs all have made their appearances, and to see you “move more than normal”… was such a beautiful reassurance.
As we consider home birth more seriously, it is not something I take without consideration of caution. While things are not ever fully in our control, I take the choice of the healthiest delivery with the upmost importance. That delivery is a journey for both of us, and one that I am preparing for each day.
There are so many communities within the birthing community, from the more radical free birth society that I have the upmost respect for, to the designer delivery that I can’t personally relate with, but I still respect… I know my decision to potentially hire a midwife and choose to attempt to avoid a hospital delivery, is not without risk. Isn’t that the beauty of life though, a series of calculated risks? Some we take every time we dine out, get behind the wheel, or even when we lace up our running shoes. Others come in the process of a cross country move, a new career endeavor, or in the choice of commitment to a relationship.
Knowing you are healthy, “larger than expected”, and seeing your heart function so cleanly was such a beautiful sight. So now we ponder Cosmo my love, what path shall we take for the beginnings of your time here outside of me?
One of the things sports has taught me, is the importance of staying flexible both mentally and physically. As I progress in pregnancy, I am keeping flexibility in mind, not just that of my pelvic floor but that of my spirit, habits, mindset, and of course expectations of my physical body.
One of my dear friends Katja is a doula, unfortunately not close enough I could claim her as my own here on Big Island, however she has a fabulous business BEST Birth Hawaii. Yet, some wisdoms she has imparted with me, have encouraged me to allow my body to relax, to dive into the flexibility of the process, and to focus on my long term goals of a healthy and happy birth process.
My goal is of course, a natural birth, however I do believe in medical intervention when necessary. Navigating education of this, debating options, and diving into the preparations of attempting a natural birth, requires flexibility of mind and body.
Some things I have begun to do with more intention and consistency, include daily movements or yoga, meditation and positive birth experience research, and attempting to listen to the intuition of how my body wants to move (or not move) each day. I have discovered by listening to my body, some of my runs have become walks, some have become near sprints or at least much faster than I have been running the last 5 months. Each day is unique, and the discovery of what that pace and movement will be, is enjoyable in the journey. I am still running more miles than most, grateful for each one of them now. I have been training for strength still, with a focus on mobility and breath more so than before…
“The choices and preparations that you make before the birth have great impact on your birth experience.” – Penny Simkin
This week is 20 almost to 21 weeks pregnant, halfway there by the medical definition. Although, the first few weeks, were kind of a “given”, I did know before I was “late” and normally before most women are able to tell… I do know most first time moms go longer than the “40 weeks” especially ones of European descent ( generally 41.5 weeks), so thats my mental “due date”. I have zero intentions of rushing this process, as long as we both remain healthy.
So where am I at? Whats the good the bad and the ugly?
I’m still running a fair amount, this week was a lower volume week due to more cycling, and more adult responsibilities, but in perspective I haven’t had but one low mileage week since I’ve been pregnant. Most weeks are ranging between 35 miles a week ( with more cycling & strength) and 55 miles a week ( with good weather & great company) .
I haven’t gained much weight, this week the doctors put me at 144. For perspective, my normal training weight is 125 – 128, my trying to get pregnant weight was 135 – 137. So I’m up about 10 pounds at this point? Either way, I’m comfortable, enjoying the fact Im showing, but still able to wear 99% of my clothing.
I discovered a non alcoholic beer I enjoy, and have been indulging in that every so often, to feel like Im having splurge.
Billy has been, amazing, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, helpful, and if anything overwhelmingly supportive in ways I didn’t imagine possible. I only have to make an odd face, or ask for help, and without any sort of question he is up for whatever task or chore I may need assistance with. . . which brings us to the next topic, the bad.
We settled on a name with far less debating than I thought may need to take place. Its magical, its perfect, and it can’t cross my lips without a smile. I am so happy we were able to find the right name for him.
My bladder is seemingly normal, unless Im running. Then it seems to fatigue quickly, and frequent trail stops have become absurdly common, at minimal every 20 minutes or so.
I have had three vomits, this entire pregnancy. Once was getting to close to the compost with a hyper sensitive nose a few months ago, but two were in the last week, I’m not sure if it was a bad meal, a mild stomach bug, or just some baby adjustments. I’m hopeful vomiting doesn’t become more common place, but if it does, I’ll manage, I’m super grateful its been so minimal so far!
I suppose I have had the touches of what would be labeled as heart burn, its something I’ve never experienced, and it hasn’t caused any serious issues. It seems to start as soon as I eat in the morning, and hangs around mildly until I go to bed. It if becomes uncomfortable, I’ve been advised Tums are quite the coping mechanism, but I’m open to all ideas.
Insomnia in the first trimester, was coupled with nightmares that luckily seem to have dissipated. I think with less stress about the health of the baby, and making it this far, I am less anxious about the entire situation. Either that or the upgrade from full bed to king bed, was a worthy investment.
If you’re still here, I’m shocked, but thank you for tuning in to the updates.
I really enjoy being right, as I’m sure most people do… it’s human nature to appreciate the success of their intuition. Which is why I was thrilled, but not all that surprised when my doctor announced today he was wrong.
We’re having a boy! Let the name debates began. At least we’ll have something to amuse us for the remainder of 2020.